Medary.com

Iowahawk for President:

Under my administration the Joint Chiefs of Staff will be directed to treat as hostile all private jets flying into Los Angeles airspace, backed up with coordinated pinpoint bombing of mansions and Priuses within the Malibu triangle. Not only will this reduce prices at the pump, it will increase the supply of much needed scrap metal and lumber.

The Environment

As a son of America's rural heartland, the environment is important to me. Like Teddy Roosevelt, America's first "conservation president," I am committed to returning thousands of square miles of ugly American urban development back to its pristine natural state. Much of this will be a direct result of the "Malibu Surge," but other environmental initiatives will help. For example, I will direct the Interior Department to establish wild man-eating cougar preserves in Berkeley CA, Boulder CO, Madison WI, and Park Slope, Brooklyn.

Hmm.  Maybe there IS a candidate who "speaks for me" . . .