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Globetrotter star slugs man in bar, police say

Colorado cracks down on slowpokes in the fast lane.

No joy in Vol-ville. Tennessee women lose a heartbreaker to Michigan State in the National basketball championship semifinals.

Thank you, Bill Clinton. Teens believe oral sex is safer, more acceptable to peers.

Four out of five rats say "mmmm, garlic!"

The Pope is dead. As disgusting as the Deathwatch was, John Paul II by any measure was a remarkable and admirable man. He will be missed.

One of my favorite columnists is Mark Steyn. His latest announces that the well-announced conservative crackup (which I cheerfully joined in on, here) may be premature.

Is the 3-point shot in college basketball too easy?

Don't eat that deer brain. Just in case, you know.

Answering a question we've had in these here parts, the real reason why we have Daylight Saving Time.

Deathwatch! The media, having feasted their macabre hunger on Terri Sciavo, now turn their full-time, 24-by-7 attention on John Paul II. "We don't care who it is, it's a deathwatch". I gotta dig out my old Don Henley song "Dirty Laundry".

We got the bubble-headed-bleach-blonde who Comes on at five
She can tell you ’bout the plane crash
with a gleam in her eye
It’s interesting when people die-
Give us dirty laundry

Can we film the operation?
Is the head dead yet?
You know, the boys in the newsroom got a Running bet
Get the widow on the set!
We need dirty laundry

Exercise for the reader: find five news stories in your local paper which could legitimately be called "good news." The criteria are: Must be major news stories (i.e. excluding sports stories, and excluding the little two-paragraph filler news-in-brief type stories). Also, "succeed over adversity" type stories are not allowed. Extra credit if you can provide links. Let me know what you find. Start . . . NOW!

Me first . . . in the Indianapolis Star:
Daniels heartened by 55% job approval. Not sure if this really qualifies, as the subtitle to the article reads Poll: Backers laud budget and economic initiatives, but critics question priorities..Negativity isn't good news.
Feds are OK With June 5 Time Switch.
Surprise! Recording artist includes rap on gospel CD
Youngsters experience spiritual awakenings
Basketball a dunk for economy

Results for today are skewed a bit due to the Saturday Religion articles, but the Indy Star made it today with one story to spare:
For spring break, some prefer Indy

No April Fool's (although it's getting harder and harder to tell . . .)

Sandy Berger to plead guilty to taking classified documents. This guy was Clinton's National Security Advisor?

Dr. Who quits. Christopher Eccleston was concerned about being typecast. Perhaps he didn't realize that Dr. Who was a science fiction show? You know . . . Shatner? The guy who played Picard? Hello?

Noodling. Yes, noodling. (OK, this one might be an April Fools, I'll admit . . . )

Finally, the best headline of the morning:
EU sanctions hit US trousers.

Terri Schiavo passes on.

The Pope, already ailing, has a high fever.

If the pagans have it right, what's the next bad thing?

OSC is an uncommonly interesting science fiction author.

His latest.

Readers may recall I asked a while ago whether or not the Republicans/conservatives had "jumped the shark" with the Schiavo affair.

Anything with it's origin associated with Fonzie of Happy Days should continue to be propogated.

www.jumptheshark.com.

Kansas City's getting a shiny new arena. It may be getting an Arena Football League team to play there.

"Could ten of the largest College Republicans start walking up and down the aisles and start removing anyone shouting?" The Coulter Chronicles, Lawrence Edition.

Related: Bush Foes Get Shown The Door at Rallies. Perhaps, every once in a while, it might be useful to shut up for a while and listen to what your political opponents have to say rather than intolerantly try to shout them down at every opportunity. Hm?

Speaking of which, out of curiosity, I went to the AARP's web site to see what they say about Social Security:
Some simple steps can be taken to begin making a down payment on that future Social Security shortfall. AARP supports:
* Investing part of the Social Security surplus so that it earns higher returns than those offered by U.S. Treasury bonds.
. . .
Market returns can be attractive, yet they come at a risk. Private accounts can lose money just as fast as they can make it.
So . . . it's a good idea to invest part of the (mythical) Social Security "surplus" but it's not a good idea to invest it?

Fark is Farked. Sarcastic geeky wiseasses worldwide hold vigils.