How To Move A Hippo

From the US Postal Service[*1] (hat tip fark.com[*2] ):

Hippos

You’ll need:

* 1,000-gallon tank per hippo
* 1,000 gallons of water
* Crane
* 1-pound sedative
* Soothing hippo music
* 2 Aspirin (for you)

How to pack:

1. Fill your tank with 800 gallons of water. Start yesterday. Remember, a medium-sized hippo takes up at least 200 gallons. (Just out of curiosity, why do you have a hippo, anyway?)

2. Apply sedative. Take two Aspirin.

3. Hold it, hold it – put the hippo in the tank, first. Start with soothing hippo music, followed by a large winch and crane.

4. Now go relax in a hot bath before the forklift arrives.

WAIVER: We in no way advocate moving a hippo or any animal without the express advice and consent of your local vet or zoo keeper. If you’d like advice from a veterinarian on moving with pets click here[*3] .

Morning Whip, July 19, 2005

There’s only eight entries in today’s Top Ten, and that’s including several fluff items. I guess we’re solidly in the Dog Days of Summer. As always, click on the article title above or on “read more” below to get the entire list.

#8: IBM to kill off OS/2–finally
IBM says use Linux instead[*1] .

#7: Morgan Spurlock watch
Morgan Spurlock is the guy who made the breathtakingly disingenuous film SuperSize Me and is now making some TV show somewhere. The Blogosphere is on the job . . .[*2] . You just can’t get away with B.S. any more—too many eyes and hands with keyboards and blogs are watching.

#6: Plame Game
Today’s press hyperventilation: Bush is backing off of his pledge to “fire anyone” blah blah blah. Well…not really. It’s actually the press who have Moved the goalposts[*3] .

#5: Supreme Court Vacancy
Who’s the favorite?[*4] Edith Clement? Edith Jones? Maura Corrigan? Cecilia Altonaga? Some guy instead?

#4: Indians 6, Royals 2
Rain-shortened game[*5] leaves Royals needing to go 50-22 to finish .500, 31-39 to avoid 100 losses.

#3: Kansas City allows street vendors again
KC street vendors are back[*6] after a six-week ban prompted by complaining restaurateurs.

#2: 9 year old Pakistani girl gets Microsoft certification
Even a child can do it? Apparently so[*7] . Remember this next time some desktop support dweeb gets on his high horse about being “certified.”

#1: U.S.-India summit goes well
Agreement on civilian nuclear energy[*8] marks progress in implementing the US-India Next Steps in Strategic Partnership[*9] agreement.

Morning Whip, July 18, 2005

#10: Is there life on Mars? Did we put it there?
NASA microbiologist says microbes can survive space environment[*1] . War of the Worlds in reverse?

#9: Plame Game (Summer in D.C.)
Mark Steyn comments.
Even the Washington Post is (refreshingly) skeptical[*2] : This is a tangled tale in which no one looks good.

#8: Oh, now the Left is concerned about FBI files
FBI collected thousands of pages of documents on activist groups. Well, 1) the I in FBI stands for “Investigation.” 2) Where was this outrage when thousands of FBI files went missing in the Clinton White House? (They have not yet been recovered, by the way). 3) Hell, there’s an FBI file on me due to my previous employment.

#7: Shuttle glitch troubleshooting may require fueling test
Engineers consider full test to locate the problem with hydrogen tank sensor.[*4]

#6: Royals 5, Tigers 0
Four batters hit, brawl ensues, seven ejected[*5] . Royals and Tigers really don’t like each other much. Or, these guys will do anything to get on SportsCenter.

#5: Ethanol is an energy loser
Researchers from Cornell and Berkeley[*3] say it takes 29% more energy from fossil fuels to produce ethanol than is stored in the fuel.

#4: Al Qaeda cell taking over parts of Somalia
The International Crisis Group reports[*6] that an al Qaeda cell is operating in Mogadishu.

#3: Germany frees suspected Al Qaeda leader
German high court rules that EU warrant is not valid under German law.[*7]

#2: Details of India Prime Minister’s Visit to U.S.
Almost ignored by the Plame-happy U.S. press, P.M. Singh’s visit to the U.S.[*8] is being closely watched by Indian media.

#1: Property rights in St. Louis? What a silly idea!
We’ve got a shopping center to build.[*9] Who cares about those sixty homeowners?

Morning Whip, July 17, 2005

To view the full Whip list, click the article title above or the “read more” link below.

#10: Pig sperm . . . In . . . Spaaaaaacccccceeeeee!!!!!!!!
Chinese to send pedigree swine semen soaring spaceward[*1] .

#9: Bullying is learned, not inherited
Quebec researchers study pairs of twins.[*2] Don’t hit your brother. Don’t call him a poopy-head either.

#8: Hangovers, on the other hand, might be genetic in part
Japanese researchers[*3] zero in on the gene for processing acetaldehyde as the key to susceptibility to hangovers.

#7: Plague of locusts hits France
As if losing the Olympics to England wasn’t enough, parts of southern France are being stripped bare by the voracious insects[*4] ,

#6: Go see Batman Returns.
It’s a surprisingly good movie[*5] , much truer to the spirit of the comic than either the 60’s TV show (BAM! POW!) or the various recent movies.

#5: Tigers 5. Royals 3
Royals[*6] need to go 50-22 to finish at .500, 32-40 to avoid 100 losses.

#4: First criminal case filed against Saddam
Saddam is charged[*7] in the death of “dozens” of Shia Iraqis.

#3: Shuttle launch on hold “indefinitely”
No progress reported[*8] in search for elusive sensor problem which is keeping the aging Shuttle on the ground.

#2: Plame Game update
The 2005 Washington Summer Games, having come up empty with Karl Rove, now go after Cheney’s chief of staff[*9] . Anything to pass the time until the Redskins take the field, I guess. Still unanswered is why it’s appropriate for a senior diplomat to be married to a CIA officer, covert or otherwise.

#1: India-U.S. Summit on tap this week
India Prime Minister to visit Washington[*10] this week. Medary.com’s stand is that India and the U.S. need to become much closer allies and partners to meet the 21st Century’s challenges.

Morning Whip, July 16, 2005

For details click on “read more” below or on this article’s title. #10: Harry Potter
The book[*1] is out. BBC liveblogged it here[*2] .

#9: NBA Arena turned into church
Houston’s Compaq Center becomes the new 16,000 seat home of the Lakewood Church[*3] .

#8: Planet with three suns
Astronomers find planet[*4] 149 light years from Earth that they dub “Tatooine planets” after Luke Skywaker’s home in Star Wars.

#7: KC Wizards “Break The Record Night”
Kansas City pro soccer team hopes to draw 30,309[*5] or more to game with Salt Lake tonight.

#6: KU disciplines itself
Kansas University voluntarily reduced scholarships[*6] in football and women’s basketball after discovering violations in those programs. Men’s basketball escaped sanctions despite former coach Roy Williams’ allowing graduating seniors to receive gifts from boosters.

#5: Royals lose to Detroit 4-1
No run support for Lima.[*7] Royals need to go 50-23 to finish .500, 32-41 to avoid 100 losses.

#4: Shuttle Update: Launch no earlier than late next week
NASA engineers struggling to find sensor problem[*8] which cancelled this week’s “Return to Flight.”

#3: Tee-ball coach puts hit out on autistic player
Coach alleged[*9] to have paid $25 to injure a disabled player so that he could not play on the coach’s team.

#2: Military tribunals upheld by Appeals Court
Circuit court ruling that said that Guantanamo military tribunals were not “competent tribunals“ is slapped down hard[*10] by the U.S. Court of Appeals, which rules among other things that the Geneva Convention is not enforcable in U.S. Courts, and that terrorists aren’t covered by the Conventions anyway.

#1: Chinese general threatens to nuke U.S.
Chinese general Zhu Chenghu rattles the nuclear saber[*11] if America defends Taiwan. It’s OK though, he was just speaking for himself, not for the ChiCom government. Right.

Morning Whip, July 15, 2005

Medary.com presents the triumphant return of the Morning Whip!

For those of you new to Medary.com, The Whip was a quick review of the day’s headlines from Medary.com’s unique editorial viewpoint. It returns in a Top-10 List format, but you’ll have to click on the Morning Whip title above, or click “read more” below to get the goods. Click on an ad or two, too, if you see something interesting.

#10: Rove found out that Plame worked for the CIA . . . from the press[*1] .

Heh. Maybe the press should resign?

#9: Is Alzheimer’s disease reversible?[*2] Maybe–at least in mice.

Is it really as “easy” as switching off a gene?

#8: Donate your old cell phones[*3] to benefit orangutan preservation in Borneo.

If not for yourself, for Discworld’s Librarian[*4] .

#7: Related cell-phone news: the FAA says the ban on cell phone use in flight will stay in place[*5] .

I’m pretty libertarian about most things, but there’s something about sitting in an aluminum tube with 200 people, all chatting at the top of their lungs on their cell phones that puts me off.

#6: Federal deficit shrinks[*6] .

Pundits baffled. Here’s a hint–tax cuts work. So, Blame Bush.

#5: Chief Justice Rehnquist says he isn’t quitting yet[*7] .

Personally, I think it’s time for him to retire, but I’d rather that the five idiot Justices who voted to repeal the Fifth Amendment would leave first. Instead, O’Connor (who wrote the scathing dissent in that case) and maybe Rehnquist will be leaving. I fear for our Republic.

#4: Royals beat Detroit 12-9[*8] .

Royals need to go 50-24 to finish .500, 32-42 to avoid 100 losses.

#3: Space Shuttle may launch Sunday, but probably won’t[*9] .

Time to turn over the shuttle replacement project to Burt Rutan.

#2: London bombing mastermind reportedly arrested in Egypt[*10] .

He and his ilk need to be hunted down and destroyed. No quarter given.

#1: South Dakota State University men’s basketball team[*11] to participate in the Guardians Classic, to play Kentucky in the first round[*12] .

SDSU’s women’s team gained their first ever victory after moving up to Division I against the Kentucky Wildcat women. SDSU’s men face a tougher task in trying to beat Kentucky in Rupp Arena, but hey, isn’t having a chance what it’s all about, Rocky?